September 21st, 2016

One Day Is A Thousand Falls

Monday, a week after I had requested the treatment history and some others, I went to the medical records without being able to wait for the phone call hoping the documents were ready. Yet, a lady at the counter told me, ” Not Yet…probably tomorrow.” Disappointing, but telling myself, “One more day,” I left the office.

Tuesday, after chemo infusion and picking up some meds at the pharmacy, I headed to the medical records again. As I gave the medical ID card at the counter, a lady looked at the computer and then left for the back. “Finally!” I thought. She came back with a thick blown envelop and gave it to me. It was heavy. Do I have to fax all of this? –I wondered. I sat at a chair and opened the envelop. The top page of the thick stapled documents said ” OUTPATIENT DIAGNOSTIC IMAGING” It was a report of an ultrasound dated on 8/4’16. I turned the page. Still I see the block letters saying “OUTPATIENT DIAGNOSTIC IMAGING” . It was a CT report I had in May. I flipped through about 100 pages of the documents. All of them said, “”OUTPATIENT DIAGNOSTIC IMAGING” and there was neither the treatment history nor the ECHO report which I needed. I looked again the inside of the envelop, and found a small envelop, which looked like a CD inside. I opened it anyway and then found a copy of the medical record request sheet enclosed. On the sheet I put several check marks, I noticed someone added extra circle on ” Diagnostic Images.” Last week when I came to request the records, I handed a copy of the NCI medical information request list, but that copy was not included in the envelop.

I started being overwhelmed that I didn’t even feel like to go back to the counter and ask the question. I had been eagerly waiting for this useless package feeling like a day were  a thousand falls. I had blamed the NCI trial nurse specialist for losing the fist hand medical information, but probably from the beginning, the treatment history was not included because of the same mistake.

What should I do? I am here at the medical records because the oncologist sent me to request all needed information for the vaccine trial. Yet even if I request it again, I am afraid that here they won’t be able to make such a specific document. I took out the iPad and emailed my oncologist for help.

Will she help me faxing the needed information or send me again to the medical records? How many more days will it take to receive her reply?—I don”t know.

I recalled the middle school chemistry tests I failed over and over though I studied hard. Now I feel the same. I feel like I will never reach the vaccine.

I opened the email again and started topping the keyboard. This time to God. The Bible says, ” Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.” (Philippians 4:6) My way of praying is emailing God.
” Heavenly Father, Please rescue me! I keep failing and now I get insane. …” I typed what I felt straightly. ” In Jesus name, amen.” I finished the email and hit the garbage icon.