Decision

I made a decision to apply for the Denderitic Vaccine Trial.

Yesterday I requested Kaiser to prepare all information needed for the trial, but the trial will close any day once the participant number reaches 30. If my information arrives over there on time, the institute will evaluate it to determine my eligibility, and if I am eligible, I will be invited to the institute hospital for a physical exams including CT scans and lab tests. It is a long way to go to be accepted.

Two days ago, when I saw the oncologist, she said that she didn’t think the vaccine was ready yet, and the matching trial would give me better chance to control cancer just as she explained in the email. I also repeated the same as the reply saying the reasons why I was leaning towards the vaccine trial.

Her denial of the effect of the vaccine affected me, but still, I was not convinced that the matching trial was a better choice.

She said three-months-off therapy would be safe because my cancer has been progressing slow, but what if she is wrong? And what if I would not match with any drugs after then? Even if I found a drug, how much effect could I expect from only single drug? Or the side effects could be so severe that I might not be able to continue the drug. If I thought of the price as it fails, her explanation was not good enough to change my mind and I know that even if I accept her choice, without the success, I would deeply regret and blame her.

” If you still want to try the vaccine, you have to pay from your pocket,” said she.
Oh, when she said no referral, she meant the insurance!
As I told her the institute would pay all the cost of the trial including for traveling, she said, “Then I don’t need to bring it to the meeting. Go and do it.”

Regarding the cost was on the letter I had attached to the email to her. Not knowing even the location of the trial, she didn’t seem to have read the attached. Maybe she didn’t need to know any of such but the fact that this is the phase 1 dendritic vaccine trial, which was enough for her to conclude, and she might think I was a stubborn foolish patient though, at the end of the meeting, she accepted my choice, or she had to accept it.

Going against the doctor’s opinion made me depressed. As I got home, I read the long letter of the information regarding the vaccine trial once again. If I have to choose a clinical trial, even if the vaccine trial is phase 1, the benefit as it works, and the risks as it fails look still better than the matching trial. I drew the same conclusion.

” God, if I am heading to the wrong direction, please close the door and stop me.” Praying so, I’m also hopeful remembering the prayer of healing in Bethesda in Israel where I traveled two years ago, the same name city as where the trial is held in MD.

4 thoughts on “Decision

  1. Kathy, I pray that your determination and trust in the Lord is the right decision. You know in your heart what is right for you. God Bless you and I pray he will take you every step of the way. Trust and Obey, is the only way. Love you, Ma

  2. Ma,
    Thank you for the prayer! I don’t want to miss His guidance, though even if I miss it, He can rescue me. 🙂

  3. God loves you and has been with you through your long journey.
    He will continue to guide you…
    Be still and breathe….you will know
    Love you

  4. Karen,

    Thank you so much for your encouragement! I am still not sure if I can get in the trial or if this vaccine is effective. I have to prepare what next if the answers are no. “Be still” is what I need to listen to God’s voice.

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