It happened the next night after I came back from the healing peaceful retreat.
As I was cooking dinner, George came in the kitchen and said that the water was running all night last night opening the faucet widely.
Staring at the white thick stream of the water making the noise, I answered, “ You’re kidding me! Is that true?”
Then he said, “ Not like this, but this,” turning the water down narrower.
All of sudden a strong sensation surged in me and I wanted to cry.
“ I can’t believe this! If this is true, I am truly losing it!”
When I went to Japan, I lost my international driver license even before I left here. It is nothing new that I lose or forget things often, but recently it is getting worse: I burn pots and pans, I leave the house without closing the garage door or the front door. I can’t find not only keys or the wallet but even purses. I make more mistakes with simple calculations and spellings.
It is already hard enough to think about gray hair, wrinkles, poor eyesight, stiffness of the body, stooping pasture, muscle ache, etc, which chemo accelerates, but I tried to be positive listening to the Bible saying, “ . Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new every day.”
Despite all of that, if my mind is also getting older and weaker, this is too much to bear. I lost all confidence and now can’t trust myself at all. I can’t do anything!
I can’t serve to anyone, including the church and George!
While I was on the retreat, my heart was overflowed with gratitude, peace, and hope. Yet now, like a popped balloon, everything disappeared and instead I was utterly defeated by the desperation.
I thought my faith became stronger through the battle against cancer and I renewed my purpose to become a good partner of George, but I don’t even feel like praying. How pathetic this is!
As I thought even my faith was so shallow, I felt sadder and devastated. I rolled onto the bed and bursted into a flood of tears.
Being surprised, George said, “ This is a simple mistake. Why do you make it so big deal?” He doesn’t understand it. It is a big deal for me! I cried harder.
Next day, my eyes were swollen up and I was still in the depression, and then George told me again,
“ Don’t listen to the Satan! Even though you are weak, God is strong. You are the most important partner for me. If you lose, I will lose, too. God still wants you to do important work, so don’t give up. It is your choice to listen to the voice saying you are done or stand up again. Stop having self pity for God’s sake!”
Feeling the resistance to say, “yes”, I squeezed out the word, “OK.”
“ I will have a day like you being depressed, then you have to encourage me,” he continued.
Then holding hands together, we prayed for the strength.
The 3rd day, yesterday, I went to the hospital for chemo, and during the infusion, I read the Bible. In the afternoon I went to a meeting for the new Women Bible Study, and at night I worked on a lesson plan for Sunday School.
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; You are mine. When you go through deep water, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned up, the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God… You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.” (Isaiah 43:1-4)
As I cannot sleep because of a side effect tonight, the Bible verse touches my tender heart, and I am weeping again.