A Shaken Rough Week

Disappointing Visit to UCLA

Since the biopsy proved my metastasis is in my lung, the game has changed drastically.

Hoping to find the way out, I visited UCLA for a 2nd opinion, but it turned out to be a disappointment.

“ If I had T-DM1, I would give it to you right now, but you are not qualified (for the clinical trial) because you have taken Tykerb.  You have to go back to (conventional) chemotherapy.  How about Avastin?” said the doctor.

“ Avastin was removed from the list of breast cancer drugs.”  As George answered so, the doctor didn’t mention any more about Avastin but recommended Gemcitabine.

“ You may not know if you can beat the cancer, and then you don’t want hard chemo,” said the doctor.  Gemcitabine’s side effect seems mild.

“There is a woman who has suppressed  metastatic cancer spread into her lungs by Herceptin, Tykerb and Paclitaxel though, how about Paclitaxel?”, I asked.

“That’s fine, but it’s going to be harsh.”

He recommended to me Gemcitabine for 6 weeks, and if it doesn’t work, to try other chemos since I haven’t tried many yet.

I left the office with the impression that there was nothing special to help without T-DM1.

 Huge Pressure

At night I saw an image that I was standing on the ragged edge and could not sleep.

Did my father, who was transferred from a nursing home to a nursing hospital, ever feel this fear?

Did organ transplant patients, who were on ECMO, a heart-lung machine, waiting for  new hearts with uncertainty also live every day with such huge pressure?

I got up many times and tried to open the Bible, but could not focus.

I only prayed.

 The Lord is with Me

If T-DM1 is the only medicine that gives me hope, George said that getting me T-DM1 is now his quest, and he sent e-mails to friends and family members for help.


Then I received a long encouraging e-mail from Annie, who is in her 70’s,  has gone through so many trials in her life, lives alone in a small cabin in the mountains, but is so compassionate that she runs a quilt NPO to support disabled and cancer patients.

She said,

“It feels fearful because it feels like a journey we have to make to a place we don’t know and all by ourselves.  But that is not true, for God will hold onto us and be with us every step of the way.  He IS our shepherd, and he leads us besides still waters.  He makes us lie down to rest.

Live each day with the thought that it could be the last day, so that will help you do the things that are important in life.  Mend any fences that need mending. Tell everyone every single day that you love them.  Pour your energy into random acts of kindness wherever you go.  It is these seeds that renew your life energy and keep it alive….”


The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths 
for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk 
through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil, 
for you are with me;

your rod and your staff, 
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me 
in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil; 
my cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me 
 all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.


Psalm 23 was written by David ,who became the king of Israel later, when he was hiding from cave to cave, his life being threatened.

Sensing God is filling my spirit with love and encouragement in this uncertain dimness, I will have a new week.

One thought on “A Shaken Rough Week

  1. You are a role model to all of us to reach out and ask for help. god is working for you. Be open there may beotherclinical trials available. Weare lucky we live in an area where so much research is being done and an age internet to be on contact with others so quickly. Muc love Peggy. We are all angels with one wing needing thehelp of another to fly

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